Up until recently my office had one male in it. However, due to some restructuring of my office that manager was moved out and I now work with 11 others (including managers), who are all female. I didn't realize how much of a change it would create in the department. The male manager who left was always very sexist with his comments. I think he thought it was funny, but it made us all uncomfortable. He used to say he was allowed to make comments because he lived in a house of women as well (his wife, three daughters and cat and dog). Not a day went by where we didn't all roll our eyes after he opened his mouth.
His comments ranged from inappropriate comments about the clothing someone wore, or how emotional or moody women were, to things like "you girls are crazy" or "we need to hire some men for you". It was as though every time he said anything he had to put a spin on it about how we were all women, which I don't think was ever relevant. My favorite comments from him were about how catty and gossipy women were, however during our one-on-one meetings he would always talk about everyone else, saying things like "between you and me, so-and-so isn't doing this well, or so-and-so said such about another person". He was the biggest gossiper of the group.
Anyhow, since he moved he pops his head in every day, to try to talk to us and I noticed how no one gives him any attention at all. We all ignore his comments, which have oddly now become less sexist. That was my eureka moment for the week; realizing we all act and treat him differently now that he is no longer one of our managers. It's as though we all put up with him before because he was one of our bosses and no one thought he passed the line into sexual harassment. Now, I wonder if we should have ever said anything to HR.
Recently another man in his new department said he made very inappropriate comments to him about a young, attractive, new hire he made. I am torn because I don't know if these comments are real, or exaggerated and I feel I have a duty to alert HR. I worry about how my job security may be affected if I am the whistle blower. What would you do?
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Response to Taryn M.
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for making your decision and sticking with it. Other's who think they don't want children may feel pressured by society to have them and then regret the decision. One reason I broke up my engagement with my boyfriend was because he wasn't sure if he wanted kids. I've told him I do want kids, and if he didn’t want them that would be a deal breaker for me. Some days he does want them and others he doesn't; it all depends on the day. He is very independent and admitingly selfish at times. While I love and care for him deeply, I don't think it would be right for a the child if he realized after having children that he made a mistake. We are still together, living in different apartments but he doesn't understand why we can't get married and figure it out later. I think one of us may be disappointed if that were to happen.
I have a friend in her mid-40's who is in a similar situation as you. She has never been married, and doesn't want to be married or have children. People at work speculate on her sexuality as well. We're pretty close and I know her reason's why she doesn't want children, although even if I didn’t I wouldn’t think less of her. I would think that in today's society there should be less pressure on women then in previous decades but she tells me she gets a lot of grief from people, including her friends and family.
Response to Nick.
ReplyDeleteI have long believed that Freud's work (and his followers) was more of a product of the time then actual research by today's standard. Most current mental health professionals, and psychology texts give little respect to the majority of his theories. He did however give us psychoanalysis, which is valuable and surely has changed a lot since his times, but none the less is credited to Freud.
Response to Tiffany.
ReplyDeleteI have to say I while I am familiar with this kind of behavior I haven't seen it revealed in many years. Most of my male friends (and family) are comfortable commenting on another man's attractiveness. I think that as men mature, they begin to release some of the typical masculine tendencies that is firm in their youth. I notice after the 30 mark it seams to dwindle. I don't know maybe it has to do with declining testosterone levels. This in itself is stereotyping, but that is my observations. My male friends who I have know since my late teens no longer do this. Also, my boyfriend has many feminine traits and younger colleagues tend to be the ones who assume he is gay or make off-color remarks, while older colleagues of his tend to just accept it without making statements of his sexuality.
Response to Maissa.
ReplyDeleteMaissa, I don't know the exact reasons why some US movies portray girls as having the same freedom as boys but I can speculate. I think we live in a idealist society, and the film-makers like to portray these ideals. Also, many movies aimed at young female audiences try to portray young women in a positive light and equal to boys/men in an attempt to increase the confidence of our youth. Our textbooks tell us that society doesn't treat women and girls the same as men and boys so perhaps these filmmakers are trying to change that.
I wonder if also, it might be the movies you are viewing. Surely, not all movies portray girls as having the same freedom as boys. Can you give some examples?
Response to Robin.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I had to mention that your post reminded me of my own childhood. I had an aunt who always gave me "boys" toys when I was growing up. Now, I did love the GI Joes and Hotwheels, and don't remember anyone objecting to my playing with them. Being an adult now, I know several families that would have an issue with this.
Anyhow, I work in healthcare and have to say that there are actually quite a few male nurses now. On a recent flight two out of the three flight attendants were male and the pilot was female! Still, I will admit there is some bias toward men in certain positions, although many of these "traditionally" female occupations resulted from WWI & WWII when women were left behind to fill the males roles. So therefore, they were traditionally male roles before when women where expected to be homemakers only.
Response to Kesha's post.
ReplyDeleteThese comments are in response to the entire week's blog, including comments made by others. I have so many emotions right now in response to this that I am not sure I will be able to relay them efficiently.
I personally don't know if someone can go from gay to straight, or visa versa, however I know Kinsey says we all fall somewhere on the scale and some researches have stated that the scale may slide at different times in our lives. Relationships mean different things to different people. I have heard that some recent research shows that in comparison to men, more women are more likely to find themselves attracted to a person, instead of a group of people. Men on the other hand tend to be attracted to similar attributes life long. When I say groups I mean consistently being attracted to people who are either males/female, african-american/caucasian/latino, short/tall etc. I don't remember the researchers name but she was recently on Oprah (unfortunately I cannot get to oprah.com from work). She seamed to think that for men homosexual tendencies were likely to be life long.
On a more personal note, my boyfriend's aunt was married for ~10 years to a man who only married because he didn’t feel he would be accepted by society if he was truly himself. The part of himself that he was hiding and ashamed of was his lifelong attraction to men. He was committed to his wife during the first half of their marriage but about five years in he could not longer go on like he was, and began to have affairs with men. Eventually they divorced, and are now friendly and supportive of each other. Both their children are supportive of both parents as well, however I imagine that when this was going on it was quite an emotional ordeal for all involved. I am hoping that in time, society will change it's views on homosexuality. These views have led to millions of suicides and unhappy marriages and lives. I think we all have the freedom to believe what we wish, but we should not interfere with each others lives. We should treat each other with respect for who they are. In a perfect world! On the other hand I can say that I understand someone who is deeply religious thinking that homosexuality is morally wrong and wanting to help these people "save their souls" or someone who is different in any way wanting to do anything to be considered "normal". I think a lot of us lie about who we really are deep down inside, and it takes years to become comfortable and accepting of ourselves. We are our own worse critic.
Response to Teandra.
ReplyDeleteOk, in my book this guy cheated. I don't believe there are different levels of cheating, cheating is cheating. It is breaking a commitment to another person, you cannot just slightly pass that line, its all or nothing.
I don't believe that being drunk makes any difference. If you are truly committed to someone you should not put yourself into a situation where your inhibitions or logical reasoning could be tested. My boyfriend and I have discussed this exact issue. I have several guy friends, however I would not go out drinking excessively with them because I know I love my boyfriend to much to even put myself in a situation where my commitment could be tested and I might foolishly do something I regret because of the influence of alcohol.
To me cheating is any act, emotional or physical, that you would not talk openly about with your partner. It's important to communicate your expectations of each other, the relationship and what is acceptable to each other, however as soon as you do something you would not want your partner to know about, you are likely cheating.
Tonya,
ReplyDeleteThat's a serious EUREKA moment... I'm not sure what I would do if in your shoes. I think that I would probably go to HR especially now that he's no longer in your department, you should be protected by the "whistle blower" law. Atleast with not having to report to him you can rest assure that he won't take it out on you thru your appraisals. Have you discussed it with any of the other ladies in your department who experienced the same form of harrasment? Just wondering if you'd have to provide proof to HR so that it's not just hear say. If you choose not to report him, you may want to address the situation with him the next time he says something to you that you feel is out of line. Hope this helps!
Thanks for the feedback Teandra. We have told him and his boss how it makes us uncomfortable in the past, and he would stop for a short time then start up again. My concern is the way the restructuring happened our department was split into two smaller groups and several people were promoted, including myself. I am afraid if I report things without concrete proof that he will retaliate saying it was a personal attack because he is not to happy about our promotions. He also managed to get a temp (male) fired who complained about him to HR before.
ReplyDeleteThat’s a tough question. Honestly if it were me I wouldn’t say anything at this point. I would have said something to him when it first started happening. If what he said was making you ladies uncomfortable you should have let him know from the start. I would have pulled him to the side and told him how I felt, as nicely as possible. I would have also told him that if he didn’t cool it I would go straight to HR. That way he knows what he is saying is wrong and he has a chance to fix his behavior. If he continued then I would have told. I really don’t think you should do it now that he is in another department and his behavior is no longer offensive to you. You said he doesn’t seem all that sexist anymore so why do it now and not then. If none of you ladies never told him how you felt how was he supposes to know he was doing something wrong or that his comments weren’t welcomed or offensive. I have a male manager and I have no problem telling him when he is out of line and he respects me more for that.
ReplyDelete